Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
