There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
