And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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