dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
