8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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