I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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