You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
