She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
