Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
