I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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