Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
