I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
