Bisexual people are plain selfish.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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