I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
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