dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
