why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
