dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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