Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
