please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The best revenge is premature balding
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
