i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
