i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
