Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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