Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
