on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
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