dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
