i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
