I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
