I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
