Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
