he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
