I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
my shit smells like andre
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
