and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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