i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
