I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
