"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
