he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
