Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
