At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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