There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
