the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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