Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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