I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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