My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
