I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
