When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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