he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
