Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
