I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
