there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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