You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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