Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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