i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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