K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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