Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
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He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
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If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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