Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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