Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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