Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
