Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
