he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
