My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
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