so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
