dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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