if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
