On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
