your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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